Balance (Gibbs/Tony, NC-17)

[kuyashinaki.livejournal.com]

Title: Balance
Author: kuyashinaki
Written for: mosquito_larva
Archive: Sure, but tell me first
Fandom: NCIS, Gibbs/Tony
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 9.827
Episodes: "Boxed In"
Summary: It's all about balance and Tony has lost his.
Request: A Tony and Gibbs first time story after Tony gets into some sort of trouble. Hurt/comfort with emphasis on the comfort!
Notes: My sincere apology to mosquito_larva for being so late. I was acutally in time, even if barely so, but I think I asked too much of my beta, because when she agreed to do the last minute beta job I told her the story would be around 4000 words long... well...
Therefore this story is not proof read by a native speaker. I am German and you can see it in that story. Sorry, sorry, sorry! If someone would do the job, I'll edit this post later on. I just didn't want to wait any longer with posting it and opted for posting it with all my mistakes and shortcomings. (I am afraid there are a lot of them.)
And last I hope I fullfilled the "emphasis on the comfort!" part, because it got a bit out of hand and I am probably more of a hurt-writer by nature, but we have a very happy Tony at the end of this little story, I promise *gg*



It first started to hurt when Ziva pulled up in front of his apartment complex. He had felt numb when he had learned about the fact that not only McGee and Palmer had been invited over to Ziva’s for dinner, but practically everyone in the whole damn office except for him. And it probably wouldn’t have him bothered all that much, if it hadn’t been for the fact that everyone seemed so enthusiastic about it and nobody thought much about the fact that he hadn’t been over.

Gibbs had even smirked when he had revealed he had been there as well. That goddamn smirk which Tony loved and loathed in equal parts. Loved because it was part of Gibbs, part of his appeal. Loathed because it usually meant a slap right into Tony’s face. Just like today.

Ziva found his parking spot without any directions and for the first time since Tony had known her, she actually handled a car with care while parking it. A heavy, uncomfortable silence descended over them after she shut down the engine and Tony didn’t even know where to begin, what to say. He just knew he had to say something, make her leave. He wouldn’t be able to keep himself together if she actually stayed and made him dinner like nothing had happened.

Like she hadn’t assumed he wouldn’t mind being excluded.

Kate would never have done that.

Tony flinched at that thought, which hurt even more, made his heart jump painfully in his chest. But she wouldn’t have. All the teasing, the arguments, it had never meant anything malicious in the end. Siblings. Tony knew a lot of people at NCIS had thought of their behaviour like this. Big brother, little sister, always bickering and snapping at each other, but loving each other even more. Tony closed his eyes, tried to fight these thoughts away. He was so close to breaking down already, thinking of Kate wouldn’t help him the least bit.

“You okay, Tony?” Ziva asked, true concern lacing her voice. She had teased him about his wound and she was right, it wasn’t much more than a scratch, but she probably wasn’t referring to that. Ziva was one hell of a perceptive person, when she wanted to be, and right now he wasn’t exactly doing his best job at masking his emotions.

“Fine. Just tired. No… no, make this exhausted.” She nodded, pulling his key from the ignition, her left hand grabbing the door handle.

“Would you mind if we moved this dinner to another day?” Ziva halted.

“You are still angry”, not a question and Tony had a hard time to keep that laugh down that threatened to bubble up his throat. Perceptive, my ass. Yes she was, but just as often as she got it right she got it wrong as well. Good to know. Good to know she wasn’t perfect, even if she was one hell of a Mossad agent, even if she was a trained killer, who probably knew twice as many ways to kill a person with just her hands than Gibbs did. Good to know, even if it didn’t do him anything good, but giving him this little flicker of satisfaction. Should he really feel like such a fuckup right now? He hadn’t done anything wrong. Not being invited… being excluded, hadn’t been some form of punishment, had it?

God, he sure was on his best way to become one very paranoid idiot.

“I am not angry”, he muttered, lifting his uninjured arm to rub his tired eyes. They felt like sandpaper and if he kept up rubbing them he’d probably look like he had cried for hours. Tony just sighed. Who cared?

“I am just tired and the happy pills Ducky gave me are kicking in. I won’t be much of a company tonight and I don’t think I’d really be able to appreciate your efforts. Lets not waste a good dinner, okay?” She still looked sceptical, but Tony knew about his unique talent to make everything sound like he only wanted the best for the others, totally forgetting about himself. He had always done it this way. Every time he cancelled a date, dumped a girlfriend, he had put it that way. He had never said that it was what he wanted, but that it was for the best of them. And because he didn’t say it just like that, because he never used the phrase ‘I only want what is best for you’ every single one of them had bought it, up until today.

It worked. Always. Even with a trained Mossad killer. – It had to. Because no way in fucking hell was Tony breaking down in front of her. No way.

“Okay”, she finally gave in, still not looking too happy about it, but obviously convinced that she couldn’t do anything to change his mind. “You’ll come over to my place then the next time.” Tony smiled and nodded.

“Next time.” If there was a next time. Tony suspected he should have been surprised, considering that he didn’t have had any thoughts like this, even after he had crossed his magic two year line at NCIS, but it felt so perfectly natural to doubt there would be a next time. It felt right to plan how long it would take him to pack up his belongings and be gone. He knew he could do it fast. Pack what he needed the most, leave the rest for the movers.

He would decide where to go on the way. And he wouldn’t stick around this time. He had wanted to hit west back when he had still been in Baltimore, but then Gibbs had come into his life like a whirlwind and whatever plan he had made had been forgotten the moment those hard blue eyes had looked into his, assessing him, before Gibbs had finally made the offer to come to D.C. and work for NCIS.

The elevator door dinged close and Tony leaned back against the metal and mirror wall behind him, closing his eyes.

He had been thrilled about the offer. And it had been a good time. The best of his life, no matter how hard Gibbs had ridden his ass every single day of it. No matter how often Tony had felt stupid or not good enough.

“When has this changed?” Tony whispered to no one but himself and smiled at the silence that answered him. Not even the little voice in his head seemed to have to contribute to this. That was a new one.

When the elevator doors opened, Tony had made up his mind for at least one thing. There was a bottle of bourbon in his liquor cabinet that wouldn’t survive the night. Everything else could very well wait until his hangover was gone. Perhaps he would be able to find an answer then. Or he would at least be sure what exactly the question was.

~*~

Fingers glided softly over smooth wood, feeling for imperfections which weren’t there after this one particular rib had been sanded for what seemed like days. But still, even after two hours working on his boat, Gibbs couldn’t wire down even the slightest bit. Tony and Ziva were safe, Ducky had confirmed that Tony’s wound hadn’t been severe. Not a scratch from the wooden barrier they had built inside the container like Ziva had stated, but nothing more than a bullet graze as well. Tony would be fine.

He had told himself that over and over again, but still something didn’t sit right with him. His gut was trying to tell him something, but all he could make out so far was that something wasn’t right and that was pretty vague even for his gut.

Gibbs sighed and shook his head. He was probably just paranoid again. He had been in this overprotective and overly worried mood ever since Kate, especially when it came to Tony. He had long since been able to loosen up on McGee, Ducky and even Abby, but whenever Tony was involved, his feelings were running wild and he was worrying like some kind of mother hen, even though he knew that Tony was perfectly capable of looking after himself. At least most of the time.

Gibbs had always known that his feelings for Tony hadn’t been on a total professional level to begin with. The first thing that had attracted his attention to Tony back during that case in Baltimore hadn’t been his outstanding abilities as a cop, but everything else. The easy way the younger man handled victims, their families and suspects alike, made them feel comfortable and in case of the suspects, not threatened at all even if he was a cop. Gibbs still could remember the sparkles he had felt when he had seen that brilliant smile of Tony’s for the first time. It hadn’t been directed at him, he had observed the younger man with his co-workers at that time. And he had really wished for a moment, to see this smile a lot more often and then always directed at him, only him.

Gibbs snorted at the memories. Tony smiled a lot at him, alright. But it was rarely ever this particular smile. And could he blame Tony for it? Even though Gibbs had been the one to offer him this job without any initiative from Tony’s side he was as well the one to make Tony’s life at NCIS hell at some days. Gibbs still wondered, why Tony still put up with his shit. He had hoped, but never really believed he would even get Tony’s standard two years time frame before he would bolt. The younger man had surprised him. Still did more often than not. And still Gibbs never managed to tell him what he wanted to tell him. Still he kept up being a bastard instead of taking some chances.

With a frustrated sigh Gibbs grabbed the sanding tool and moved on to the next rib. It was one thing to take a chance. It was something completely different to shoot something to hell deliberately, just because he wasn’t able to keep his emotions in check. He practically knew Tony wouldn’t appreciate any advances from him. Hadn’t Voss taught them how much Tony cared for kissing a man?

His cell phone interrupted the mixture of angry and desperate thoughts in Gibbs’s head.

“Gibbs!” he barked into the phone, for once in his life truly hoping they didn’t get a case.

“Ziva. I just wanted to let you know that Tony sent me home.”

“And why are you telling me this, officer David?” Gibbs asked, brows furrowed.

“Because I think he shouldn’t be alone right now. And before you ask me why I think you should be the one to keep him company I’d like to ask you just to trust my gut on this for once. Night, Gibbs.” Gibbs stared at the cell phone in his hand, not sure if he wanted to throw the damn thing against the wall, wrench it in the cup of bourbon sitting on the workbench to his left or just use it to call Ziva back and demand a better explanation than that.

In the end he did neither of the above, just grabbed his jacket and the car keys, glad he didn’t have much more than a couple of sips from his bourbon and within two minutes he was on the way to Tony’s.

~*~

Tony had forgotten how hard it actually was to get drunk. How hard it was to actually begin to get drunk. It was so much easier when there was someone with you, keeping you company while you were trying to get all shit faced. It was natural to raise your glass and drink when there was someone else doing the same thing. When there was perhaps talking and even laughing involved. Old or not so old stories, a good movie.

Anything but the silence of his apartment and the loneliness around him. Drinking alone just sucked. Big time. Ziva was gone for an hour now and he was still nursing his second glass. Quite an accomplishment. Perhaps he should ask his father how he did it. The man was most of the times drunk before lunch.

Tony sighed heavily and flopped down on his big, sinfully comfortable couch. The day had started out just like every other day, what exactly had he done to deserve it going down the drain in such a spectacular way? What had he done to deserve lying here, all depressed, thinking about Kate and Gibbs and leaving it all behind?

He had known that the whole thing about Kate would come back one day to bite him in the ass, but he had hoped it would take a little longer. He had hoped for more time to get prepared for the second wave of pain he had signed himself up to when he had decided to shove the memory and the pain away instead of working through it. She would have had his ass for it, but it didn’t help him now that she was gone.

Six months and the wound still felt open and raw and like it would never close. And it probably wouldn’t, because Tony did nothing to help the process, but he just couldn’t. Denial was such a wonderful thing.

Back when she still had been alive, Tony had never known just how important she had become to him. He had needed the balance they had created between them. He had needed her to bring him down every time he flew too high. She had needed him to tease her and keep her on her toes to keep her from being too serious all the time.

There would never be such a balance between him and Ziva. Tony didn’t dislike her, not as much as he sometimes pretended, but he just knew that Ziva couldn’t be Kate. No one would have ever been able to replace Kate, but with Ziva it was even impossible to create some kind of balance. She was too much like him in too many aspects.

Tony had never understood how much Kate had done for him, until Ari had taken her from him six months ago. Even without knowing what she was doing, she had kept Tony sane every time his feelings for Gibbs became too much. Somehow she had always sensed it, asked him out for dinner or a drink, trying to coax out of him what was wrong and if he wouldn’t talk, she would start making assumptions.

Once she had come very close to the truth and she had known it. If she had just said ‘Gibbs’ instead of ‘that mystery woman’ it would have been all out, but of course Kate had always thought of women, because Tony was the ladies man, the womaniser, the macho and Kate had never once doubted it. Especially not after that thing with Voss. Tony wasn’t sure if he should thank this bastard for his help with holding his image up or not.

After that particular evening, Kate had stick with this one story, being sure Tony suffered a typical case of unrequited love and that had been the moment Tony had started to talk. He hadn’t said much, just bits and pieces, but it had helped, it had kept his head in check. More than he had realized until after it was too late.

Tony raised a little, grabbing his still full glass from the coffee table and raising it in a silent salute. To Kate.

The liquid burned like hell on it’s way down his throat, but it was comforting as well. Numbing the pain, soothing his nerves, calming some of the thoughts screaming in his head. He didn’t ask himself what Kate would have advised him to do, because he knew packing and running wasn’t on the list of things she would have ever had in mind. But he asked himself what his inner voice advised, and that answer was a pretty simple one. When it came to the matter of staying and fighting for something or running off to a new adventure, Tony had always chosen to run. He wasn’t one to fight losing battles and if it made him a sad coward, well then that’s what he was.

It would stop hurting after a while. And one day he would be able to think about Kate and smile. And he would be able to think about Gibbs and not long for things that could never have been. That one would take longer, he didn’t fool himself about that. But he would manage. – Or he would forget about Gibbs. Denial really was a nearly perfect way to handle most problems after all.

Tony laughed at himself, at the way he was going in circles. He’d never come to a solution that way and that was why he always thought it was better to grab the bull by it’s horns. I took more effort than he thought to get on his feet and drag himself into his bedroom, but it took even more to get the two big suitcases he owned out of his closet.

It certainly had been easy in the past, but not this time. For whatever reason. After he had left his home and his parents, he had never stayed anywhere long enough to really feel at home. Two years tops before he began to feel restless. It had always been only a matter of weeks between getting restless and getting ready to leave.

But he had been with Gibbs for over four years now. He had allowed himself to see his co-workers as more than just that. Most of them he considered his friends. Not Palmer and most certainly not Ziva … not yet at least. But Abby and Ducky and even McGee were more than just people he worked with. That had to be the big difference. That had to be the reason why he wanted to leave on the one hand, but couldn’t deny the mere thought of doing so hurt all over again on the other.

“Planning to go somewhere, DiNozzo?” It took an embarrassing amount of self control out of Tony to keep himself from shrieking like a girl at the more than just unexpected sound of Gibbs’s voice in his bedroom, but somehow he managed and Tony thanked every God he could think of for that. He knew he looked at his boss like some kind of idiot as he turned around, but really, how could he care right now, when all he wanted to know was what the fuck the other man was doing in his bedroom all of a sudden?

“Jeez, boss, why not scare the shit out of me? Could be fun, you know?” Gibbs stood in the doorway, leaning with his right shoulder against the frame, his legs crossed at his ankles and his arms crossed in front of his chest. Normally that would have looked calm and casual on Gibbs, but his face, especially the hard lines around his eyes and his mouth gave him away. He was all but calm.

“I can’t remember signing leave for you, DiNozzo.” His voice was tight and carefully controlled as well. Tony closed his eyes for a second, his thoughts running wild. How should he explain what he was doing? He never intended to actually talk with Gibbs about this. He had planned to be gone by the time his letter of resignation arrived on Gibbs’s desk. This was just fucked.

“What are you doing here, Gibbs?” he just asked at last, sounding every bit as tired and wrung out as he felt. He knew he didn’t have the energy left to fight with Gibbs or to just explain what was going on. He didn’t exactly know what was going on either. He just knew he was pissed. At himself, at Gibbs, at Ziva, at the whole damn team… fuck, he was even pissed at Kate for letting herself get killed when he still needed her around as a friend and moral support and wasn’t that just sweet? The perfect icing on the cake full of shit that was his life.

“Hopefully coming just in time to prevent you from bolting out of that damn door. Where did you plan to go, DiNozzo? Got a new job already? Or are you running first and thinking about it later? Never figured you for such a coward, but I guess it was about time I got proven wrong, wasn’t it?”

“Stop it, Gibbs.” Tony didn’t say please, but Gibbs could here it nevertheless. He could see how tired and worn Tony was. He could sense that it wouldn’t take much for him to snap. But even though he knew and saw all that he couldn’t stop. It hurt that Tony didn’t think of him and NCIS any differently than his other jobs, that he obviously planned to go without looking back and without saying goodbye. Gibbs knew he didn’t have a right to feel like this, but that didn’t change the fact that he felt betrayed, personally betrayed. That he felt like Tony was kicking everything they’d had in the last four years with his feet, shrugging it off like it meant nothing at all.

Gibbs knew Tony wasn’t even aware that they actually did have something. It was all in Gibbs’s head after all, but he felt hurt, he felt betrayed. Like back when he’d found wife number one in bed with one of his best buddies.

“Stop what, Tony? Stop calling you a coward? But you are a coward. What are you running from this time? Ziva? Did the mean Ziva hurt little Tony so much? Well guess what, Tony? That’s just life. It’s unfair and sometimes you don’t get invited to the good parties, but you suck it up and go on with it! You don’t just go home, sulk and decide that it’s time to hit the road! Damn it, I really thought…”

“Stop it.” This time there was a hint of a warning in Tony’s voice. A tight strain. Barely controlled anger? And suddenly Gibbs wanted him to snap. If it meant, Tony was staying with him and with NCIS then Gibbs wanted him to scream and shout and rant for hours. If he needed to throw a couple of punches or whatever, that was just fine with Gibbs, he would even pretend for this one time that Tony could get past his defence on his own, even if he sucked big time at boxing.

“It’s already too much? Again? God Tony, why do you have to be such a sissy?” The look Tony threw him would have been of the most deadly kind if this way to kill finally worked. It definitely sent a chill down Gibbs’s spine, even if he didn’t show it, his mask tightly in place.

“Get the fuck out of here”, Tony whispered. His chest felt so tide he thought he would suffocate any moment now, because he couldn’t draw a lung full of air anymore. When he had thought the revelation earlier at the office had hurt, he didn’t know how to describe what he felt now. It was like there was a fire inside him, burning so hot, the flames were nearly white, and it was consuming him in it’s rage if he didn’t find a way to get away from Gibbs now. Running crossed his mind once again, but this was his apartment damn it! If someone had to run it was Gibbs.

“The hell I will”, Gibbs spat back, his body getting into what Tony always had called defensive mode. Gibbs was preparing for a fight and wasn’t he right to do so? Because Tony really felt like he wanted to smack him around. Only that damn little voice in his head told him that it would be futile, because even with all that rage he wouldn’t manage anything but getting into serious trouble.

“I didn’t ask you to come! I didn’t ask you for your opinion on me or my life or whatever you think you have a right to comment on! I don’t want you here and newsflash Gibbs, this is my home and I certainly do have every right to not want you here!! Out!!” It was the first time ever Gibbs heard Tony actually yell at the top of his lungs. Usually Tony didn’t get any louder than the occasional shout, raising his voice just enough to be louder than everyone else. And it amazed Gibbs how much strength he detected behind Tony’s voice and words. It just made him wonder even more, why the younger man always chose to run instead of a fight.

“I am not going anywhere, Tony. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to call the cops to get me out of here.” Tony made a noise that sounded disturbingly like the growl of an angry dog and threw his arms into the air in frustration.

“What the fuck do you want, Gibbs? Why are you here, bugging the shit out of me?”

“I want you to talk to me. I want to know what brought this on. I want your word that you are not going to bolt an me as soon as I leave your apartment or I swear I’ll track you down, no matter where you go, Tony!” Tony stared at him for what seemed like an eternity, his face a mask of fury and confusion.

“And why the hell do you even care?” he finally murmured, sitting down on his bed heavily. He suddenly felt drained as if Gibbs had just sucked all the energy out of him.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Gibbs asked in return, his voice gentle now. Tony looked up at him, the ‘you gotta be kiddin’ me’ expression practically jumping Gibbs right in the face.

“Because you never do. You never did. Every time I think I finally figured you out you say or do something that slaps my great discovery right back into my face with a big fat ‘bullshit’ stamp all over it. You compliment me and the next second you say something that makes me feel so stupid for once again believing you actually meant it this time. The best days are those when I get only smacked up the head by you. – Don’t you think it’s fucking pathetic I think that way?

You probably think it’s a corny thing to say, but it’s painfully true nevertheless. There is only so much I can take, Gibbs. Only so much of your shit I can handle and we passed that line a long time ago. I am wearing myself thin here and all you have to say about it is that I am a sissy. Well thank you very much. I’ll be a sissy then. And damn proud one as well. And believe me I won’t cry once I leave, which will be very soon, no matter what you say.

If you won’t accept my resignation, madam director sure will. She was never too fond of me to begin with.

I’ve gone on long enough like this. I take every insult you dish out without so much as a smile. I put up with Ziva, who even after six months still thinks I am nothing and not worth to be on your team with all the skills I am lacking compared to her. I smile at Sheppard even though I know I am nothing but a chauvinist to her. She doesn’t get why you keep me either. She and Ziva could found a club or something for that.

I need a break. Just a fucking break.” And Tony really needed it. He couldn’t remember swearing this much in one day since he had been a rebellious teenager, trying to show his parents where they could stick it, whatever ‘it’ was just at the given time.

Gibbs just stood there and stared at him and this was just so funny like hell that Tony could hardly resist to laugh. He didn’t want to. This whole mess was nothing to laugh about. But seeing Gibbs speechless and surprised for once, hell that was one Kodak moment. I really wished for a camera right now.

“How long have you kept all this bottled up?” And of all the questions Gibbs could have asked after his little rant, this was the one Tony had really expected the least. This man never ceased to surprise him that was for sure.

“Why do you care?” The exasperated sigh from Gibbs let a little flicker of grim satisfaction stir inside Tony. It felt good to be the one dishing out for once.

“I have always cared, Tony. I don’t coddle my people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.” Tony snorted, his eyes challenging and once again flashing angrily at Gibbs.

“Not to coddle someone is very much different from insulting people, Gibbs.” Gibbs brows furrowed and Tony knew his temper was getting shorter with every second Tony didn’t give in to him and his arguments, but he didn’t plan to do so any time today. He had put up with Gibbs, paddled back whenever he sensed his temper growing short for the last four years. Today was d-day. Today there wasn’t any going back. Gibbs would either live with it or not. He couldn’t care less.

“I did never insult you, DiNozzo.”

“The hell you did. Every damn headslap is an insult of itself and you know damn well I could file a harassment charge because of it. I probably could file one for less. But those slaps are actually quite okay, you know? They are not as bad as the dismissing thing you have going. They are not as bad as your obvious amusement at shooting me down every chance you get. Tony can take it. He is a funny guy and he can take a shitload of bad jokes on his behalf without so much as a flinch, right?

It hurt, for God’s sake. It hurt to see you so obviously amused at the fact that Ziva invited everyone, really everyone to her little soiree but me.

You’ll never understand, I know this much. And that’s okay, I’ll just go on and forget about all this. All cool. I just can’t go on here.” Gibbs stared at him and Tony wasn’t sure if he was speechless once again or just really contemplating what Tony had just said. Whatever it was, Tony couldn’t get himself to care. He sank back into the mattress and closed his eyes, the exhaustion of the day trying to pull him down with a surprising force.

The mattress dipped beside him as Gibbs lay down next to him, but Tony couldn’t even gather the strength to react to it, even if it should have stricken him as the most odd thing to do for Gibbs. They lay there what seemed like hours to Tony, before Gibbs’s voice finally penetrated the nearly eerie quiet again.

“I never saw it this way.”

“I would never have guessed.” Gibbs smiled even though Tony couldn’t see it from his position beside him on the bed.

“I never thought I hurt you. In my time with NCIS I have gone through more agents than I care to count. Most of them have quit, because of exactly the same thing you just told me. I know I am a bastard and I know I probably should try not to be one. Or at least not to be such a big bastard, but I can’t just switch it on and off like I’d like to. In all those years it has become an essential part of me.”

“I don’t ask you to change. I know I would ask for too much.” The sadness in Tony’s voice was thick and as much as it surprised Gibbs, it also gave him hope, because it proved what he had always thought, since Tony had joined his team. The younger man wanted to be with him. He didn’t just love the job.

“I would try.” Gibbs didn’t look at him, but he felt that Tony froze next to him. He could hear the faint sound of his head turning on the thick comforter. He knew those incredible eyes were staring at him, a mixture of green and brown and surprise. And it made him smile. It was just a tiny, sad thing, but it was a smile nevertheless.

“I always admired the way you handled my temper, you know? You were the first one I hired who seemed to not take it personally. I snapped at you and you smiled. I slapped you up the head and you said thank you. I guess I got a bit overboard with time, didn’t I? – You never should have taken it for so long without saying a word, Tony. I never intended to drive you away.”

“You did a pretty good job at hiding that”, Tony murmured.

“I’m sorry.” And of all the things Gibbs had said and done in the past… however long he had been here, this threw Tony’s balance off the most. It was one of Gibbs rules. Never apologize. It’s a sign of weakness. But he had apologized to him and for all Tony knew it had sounded sincere. Tony really didn’t know what to make of that. Belatedly Tony realized that Gibbs was looking at him, the intense blue eyes unyielding as always, but with a soft undertone to them Tony had only seen on the rare occasions when they worked with children on a case.

“I know I can’t force you to stay here, on my team, but I’ll ask you nevertheless, Tony. Stay… please. Losing Kate was bad enough, but I really meant it when I told you you are irreplaceable. Even if I had three Zivas and six McGee and God help me ten Abbys on my team they could never make up for the gab you’d leave behind.”

“Are you going all mushy on me now?” Tony asked, wincing a little at the stunned breathlessness of his voice. Gibbs apologizing to him, telling him he needed him on the team. Tony was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always did. And it always hit him hard while it did. This was too good to be true. This felt too much like Gibbs really did care.

“I’ll do what I have to do. Whatever it takes to convince you I am telling you the truth here.” Still no shoe. The whole situation felt surreal.

“I am not irreplaceable, Gibbs. You’ll find another young agent with streets smarts who is eager to please and would take as much as I did or even more to do so. I have no special talents, just an easy smile and a lose mouth and perhaps not enough friends and family, because I am able to dedicate way too much time to the job and still sometimes end up bored out of my mind at home.” Tony yelped in surprise when Gibbs put one rough, calloused hand on his cheek. The blue eyes still staring at him had doubled up in their intensity and even if Tony had wanted to he wouldn’t have been able to look away. Not when his life depended on it.

“I need you on the team. And I don’t give a damn what you think about your role in the team. I know I need you to be there. I need you to watch my six. No one could take your place, because I wouldn’t let them. Do you get that?” Tony swallowed, his mouth and throat suddenly dry as the desert. He still thought that he was dreaming, that this whole scene couldn’t really have happened, but he nodded nevertheless.

“Yeah… yeah, I think I do.” Gibbs smiled and that smile let something inside Tony snap, completely unexpected and very violent. Gibbs frowned when the first tears fell from Tony’s eyes, not sure what to make of that sudden change, but the next second, Tony threw himself into his arms, burying his face into Gibbs shirt, and Gibbs reacted without thinking. He closed his arms around the shaking younger man and just held him close.

~*~

Tony felt a bit like he was standing beside his body and watching himself cry in Gibbs arms like there wouldn’t be a tomorrow. He probably should have been embarrassed, especially given the fact that he didn’t even know why he was suddenly crying like a baby. But the only things Tony did feel were relief and gratitude that he finally could let go. The pressure was subsiding the pain lessened with every passing minute. And Gibbs was there, held him and was even murmuring sweet nothings to him. That really nearly blew off Tony’s head and he wasn’t sure what he should make of this as well, but he really didn’t give a damn.

After what felt like an eternity of tears and pain and despair the sobs finally died down and breathing became easier again. There were still tears flowing and Tony knew his eyes, probably his whole face would be red and puffy for at least a whole day after this, but he felt good. For the first time in a very long time he felt just good. Tired, nearly exhausted, but all the negative emotions were finally gone.

“Better now?” Gibbs asked, gently brushing some tears from his cheek. It wasn’t more than a futile attempt, but a gesture so gentle it made Tony’s heart clench all over again. A good kind of clenching.

“Yeah. – Sorry about that. I didn’t expect… I guess that was finally it.”

“I wanted you to snap earlier, you know?” Gibbs smiled and pulled him a little closer again. “But I never would have guessed that I would accomplish that by telling you how much I need you on my team. You really are a mystery, Tony.” A watery chuckle from Tony was all the answer he got from the younger man, who buried his head into his wet shirt again.

Gibbs carded his fingers through the unruly mop of hair and waited for Tony to calm down again, so they could talk some more. He had a distinct feeling that there was a hell lot of talking they had to go through. Four years worth of talking to be exact. Not really something Gibbs was looking forward to, but if that was what it took to let Tony forget about running, it would be what Gibbs would do.

“It was easier when Kate was still alive”, Tony finally spoke, his voice small, but at the same time very serious. “She was some kind of outlet for me. She knew when I needed to talk about something and when we went out those nights she just let me talk, no matter about what. She really would have made a brilliant therapist, you know?

I am missing that. I am missing her a lot.”

“We all do.” Tony nodded.

“Boss?” Gibbs could feel his heart warm a bit at that. Tony hadn’t called him boss even once since he had come here and hearing it now… it was more than just a small reassurance.

“Yeah?”

“If you don’t want me to do what I’ll do now, could you please chalk it up to my emotional turmoil and not kill me? I would really appreciate that.” Confused Gibbs drew his eyebrows together, not able to make sense of what Tony was talking about, but the next moment Tony moved even closer, bringing their faces together. Gibbs could feel Tony’s warm breath on his own lips and blinked, not sure if this was really happening or if they both had fallen asleep while Tony had cried all his despair out. A warm, long fingered hand was placed on his cheek and Gibbs closed his eyes. When their lips met the next second, Gibbs was really too stunned to react at first. He tried to remember how long exactly he had wanted to do this, dreamed about Tony’s lips on his and now it was finally happening.

Tony made a little, desperate sound in the back of his throat and that was what finally brought Gibbs out of his stupor. He kissed Tony back with a hunger he hadn’t even known was there, even though he hadn’t tried to fool himself concerning his feelings for his senior agent. Tony submitted easily to him, leaving him in control of the kiss as soon as he felt Gibbs actively participate and Gibbs pressed the younger man back down onto the mattress, straddling his thighs next. Tony stretched his arms over his head, searching for the headboard, but instead of finding and holding on to it, Gibbs circled his wrists with his hands and held them down to anchor Tony in a way he obviously needed right now. Tony moaned happily and bucked up a bit. It was a playful move to test the strength of Gibbs’s grip, but not really an attempt to break free and Gibbs suspected that Tony actually liked being the one held down, even if he wasn’t emotionally wrecked like he was tonight.

Another interesting fact about Tony DiNozzo he filed away, this time finally for a future opportunity to use it.

Gibbs broke their lips apart at last. Maybe there wouldn’t be so much talking after all, but there was at least one thing they had to talk about first, even if Tony protested the ending of the kiss and tried to follow him to recapture his lips immediately. Gibbs’s hold on his wrists tightened a bit which drew another moan from Tony.

“Look at me, Tony”, Gibbs whispered. Tony slowly opened lust filled eyes and smiled up at Gibbs who had to swallow hard at the image Tony presented. Utterly debauched and so breathtakingly beautiful even though his face was red and swollen from crying. Or perhaps he was especially beautiful because of that. Beautiful when you cry, Gibbs thought with a wry smile.

“Are you sure you know what you are getting yourself into? I am not going any further if you planned this to be a one time thing.” His inner voice screamed at him and kicked him in his inner butt for that, but Gibbs really couldn’t do this, if Tony didn’t want the whole package. And it was probably a bad idea in general to do this now and to demand such answers, given Tony’s state of mind at the moment. But Gibbs was willing to ignore that little fact, if Tony just agreed to the ‘not a one-time-thing’ rule.

Tony looked at him for a moment that seemed like forever, the expression on his face confused and Gibbs could almost see how the younger man was trying to wrap his mostly otherwise occupied mind around what he had said, but finally confusion made way for some kind of mild annoyance.

“You’d better be planning for the long run, boss, or I’ll be the one to hunt you down no matter where you go. I might not be some marine badass with survival skills even wild animals would envy you for, but I’d find you and I don’t think you wouldn’t like me that much, when I finally did.” Gibbs kissed Tony on the nose and laughed at that.

“No, I probably wouldn’t. – Still. This really feels unreal to me.” The whimsical smile should have been a big fat warning, but it still tore a surprised hiss from Gibbs when Tony suddenly bucked his hips and brushed his erection against Gibbs’s.

“Doesn’t feel so unreal to me”, the younger man gasped, but before he could say anything else, Gibbs had effectively shut him up with his tongue in Tony’s mouth.

Gibbs had always thought that talking was pretty much overrated anyway and he proved his theory quite thoroughly while he got rid of both their clothing without breaking the kiss even once. Tony didn’t seem inclined to protest, though. He seemed pretty eager to do both at the same time, even if it left him breathless like he had just run the New York marathon when Gibbs finally let go of his lips to admire Tony in all his nakedness. The older man smiled when Tony actually blushed a bit, something he’d never expected Tony to do, but did become him quite well, if someone asked Gibbs. He hoped he could make him blush a lot more often in the future.

“You are beautiful”, Gibbs finally said, running his hands over Tony’s shoulders down to his chest. Tony arched a little when Gibbs teased his nipples with his fingers and gave a breathy laugh.

“Beautiful is for the girls”, he gasped, arching even more when teasing turned into twisting. Gibbs smiled and leaned forward to lightly kiss down Tony’s collarbone.

“You are no girl”, he murmured between two kisses. “And still you are beautiful.” Tony’s breath shortened to nearly panting, when Gibbs traced his collarbone back up with his tongue. Warm breath tickled his neck and Tony craned it a little, offering his neck to Gibbs, groaning when another flesh of near pain and oh so good pleasure surged through him, caused by another tug at his nipples. If he ever again overheard somebody say that men were not able to multitask… Tony lost his train of thought when Gibbs’s lips finally sank down on his neck, sucking, biting and licking mercilessly at the tender skin there. He would sure as hell have the marks to prove this night there later. Thank god it was mid winter and cold enough to wear turtlenecks without raising any suspicions.

“Gibbs”, he gasped, grasping Gibbs’s shoulders to finally participate a bit more actively in this, but Gibbs wouldn’t let him as it seemed, because the next moment, the torturing fingers on his nipples vanished and his wrists were once again pushed into the mattress.

“Hands off, Tony. You just lay there and let me do the work. This is for you, okay?” Tony frowned at him, not sure if he was okay with this or not. Usually he wasn’t this passive in bed, even though he freely admitted that he gave up control willingly when he was in bed with another man. At least most of the times.

“But…” Gibbs shook his head and kissed him lightly.

“No but. Just let me do this for you. Just this once. We’ll have so many next times were you can have your wicked way with me in return.” And wicked was for sure the grin Gibbs got for that promise, but Tony did relax completely under him, his arms no longer fighting his grip on Tony’s wrists and that was all the invitation Gibbs needed.

He took a moment to do nothing but look at Tony, taking in the relaxed posture, the lazy smile and the lust filled eyes. And for the first time it really hit Gibbs that this was truly his now. One of those moments of clearness, chasing away the fog he hadn’t even known was still there. This wasn’t a dream. He was here. Tony was here. And this was all real and true. Finally.

“Penny for your thoughts”, Tony said while holding Gibbs’s intense gaze.

“I just realized I am a really lucky bastard.” Tony laughed and his eyes finally had that sparkle back that Gibbs loved so much about them.

“And what is my very own lucky bastard doing about that now?”

“You wait and see”, Gibbs murmured, kissing Tony again. Tony didn’t hesitate even a second, but opened his mouth and gave himself over to Gibbs and this kiss, which was so completely different from those they had already shared. Deep, lazy, relaxed, like they had all the time and the world and intended to use it to the fullest. And Tony didn’t have the slightest doubt that they did and would. Not with a lover like Gibbs. A lover of such intensity, such focus. A shudder ran through the younger man just thinking about that and what it would mean in the terms of lovemaking.

The calloused hands were back on his body, tracing patterns over his skin on their way over his body, touching every inch of skin, setting it on fire. Even though not all of his stories were completely true, Tony was a man with a waste amount of experience when it came to sex, but this was something totally different and within minutes Gibbs had him reduced to shuddering and quivering, even though he hadn’t done much but kissed and caressed.

Gibbs’s lips left Tony’s once again to start the downwards journey over his body.

“So responsive”, Gibbs praised him fondly when he reached Tony’s nipples, sucking the still sensitive little nub fiercely the next moment. Pleasure so intense it nearly was too much roared through Tony’s body and he moaned, not caring anymore that the walls in the apartment building were probably thin like paper, considering how well he could always make out every word when his neighbours were arguing or the old lady in the apartment above him rearranged her furniture or whatever she did to produce all that noise. And Tony nearly laughed at himself, but he knew that he only kept thinking those stupid things to keep himself away from the edge. He was already walking on that thin line and he knew it was partly because he hadn’t had sex for a while and Gibbs was just a little too intense at his weakened state, but he didn’t want it to be over this soon.

Gibbs switched his focus to his other nipple and Tony totally forgot about what he had been thinking right now. The rough hands were on his hips now, so close to his nearly painful erection and they were so gentle in their touch like Tony always had imagined them when working on the boat. He had always wondered how they would feel on his skin.

Better than he imagined. Tony howled when one of those hands closed around his cock, the little chuckle around his nipple sent vibrations down his body which was certainly not helping him to get back from the brink, but it was so damn good that Tony didn’t really care anymore. Gibbs had said it was for him, hadn’t he?

Something cold and slick touched Tony’s entrance, which drew a surprised yelp from the younger man. He didn’t have the slightest idea, when Gibbs had found the lube in his nightstand, but it probably didn’t need a genius investigator to suspect it was there in the first place.

That first finger worked his way into Tony’s body and Tony tried his best to relax and just let it in. It had been a while since he had been with a man. Even with his infatuation with Gibbs the ladies had always had the greater appeal to him. Not any more, Tony reminded himself, lifting his hips to give Gibbs better access. Not anymore, because this was all he ever wanted, more than the most beautiful woman in the world, more than anything at all.

The second finger was surprisingly easy to take compared to the first, but it probably shouldn’t surprise him so much. Gibbs was good at this. Good enough that Tony wondered why, but it was just curiosity, he didn’t really care.

That incredible mouth left his nipples and Tony let out a rather embarrassing whine to make his disappointment known.

“It’s getting better, Tony, I promise”, Gibbs said with a smile in his voice and started kissing Tony’s stomach, paying a little attention to his bellybutton as well.

“It better will… god, Gibbs!” And Tony just knew, if Gibbs wouldn’t have had so much of his cock in his mouth right he would have had this damn self satisfied smirk an his lips for making Tony scream so easily, but damn, the one second Gibbs was plunging his tongue into his navel and the next he got down on him, like it was nothing at all, deep throating him without any effort.

Tony didn’t even feel the third finger entering his body.

“You are killing me!” Tony gasped, grasping the sheets desperately in the attempt, not to bury his hands in Gibbs’s hair to hold him in place while he fucked his mouth. God, even that image was too much.

“Not just yet”, Gibbs answered when he let go of Tony’s cock, finally sounding a little strained himself. His free hand fumbled with the condom. He tore it open with his teeth, careful not to damage it in the process. “But I intend to give you a good night’s sleep.” Tony closed his eyes and groaned, Gibbs had finally found the grace to give some attention to his prostate and it felt so much better than he remembered it, every little nudge sending shockwaves of pleasure through his body, bringing him closer and closer to the dreaded loved edge.

“No!” Tony whined when the fingers were suddenly gone from his ass. Gibbs really did have a thing for torturing him. But the next second the older man was kneeling between his spread legs, one elbow at Tony’s side, the other hand lining up Gibbs’s cock with his entrance.

“Don’t worry, Tony, it’s not over yet”, he said with a smile and captured Tony’s lips in another hot, wonderful kiss, swallowing Tony’s deep groan of pleasure when he entered him just a second later. Gibbs was careful, but entered the younger man in one, slow thrust. The bad thing about teasing someone for so long always was that one brought himself to the limit as well.

“Gibbs!” Tony gasped, when Gibbs finally released his mouth and gave his first few careful thrusts into Tony’s pliant body. “God, Gibbs!”

“Jethro, Tony. In bed it should really be Jethro.” Gibbs was breathless as well. Tony felt hot and tight around his cock and it was nearly more than he could take, but he bit down on his arousal, kept himself from coming right away with the sheer force of his will, years and years of tight control over himself finally paying off for something else but pissing off other people, because they thought he was an unfeeling bastard.

Tony just moaned in response urging Gibbs to move faster by rolling his hips impatiently. Gibbs chuckled at Tony’s impatience, not giving away even a tad of his own, but his thrusts were getting harder now, the rhythm faster. They weren’t going to last long, but it didn’t matter. There was more, there was a future. And this thought was just so overwhelming that Gibbs had to close his eyes. He had come so close to losing Tony, so fucking close. He hadn’t been truly afraid in years, but the mere thought of a life without Tony sent panicked shivers down Gibbs’s spine. It was never going to happen. Never!

Just like he wanted to prove that to himself, Gibbs lowered more of his weight on Tony’s body, put his hands under Tony’s shoulders and lifted him just the slightest bit, hugging him to him like the precious treasure he was. When Tony’s hands come up to hug Gibbs to him as well, his fingers clawing a bit into the skin of his back, a new surge of fire raced through Gibbs and he doubled up his efforts once more, changing the angle of his thrusts until Tony’s strangled gasp told him that he had found what he was searching for.

Tony felt like he was bursting at the seams any moment now, following the rhythm as good as he could, even if Gibbs’s weight was pressing down on him more than he usually cared for, but still it was perfect, more than just perfect. Sparks of pleasure raced through Tony’s body with every nudge to his prostate and he was so far gone by now that it was actually the best idea ever that Gibbs wanted to do all the work. He didn’t feel like he could do anything but lie there and take it.

Gibbs’s hand wrapped around his cock again and Tony heard himself scream… damn, he had never been a screamer in bed. And that was the last thought he managed before everything became too much, his whole world exploding into hot white pleasure when he came, clamping down on Gibbs, who probably followed him very close, because Tony could only remember a few more thrusts into his body before he could hear a deep groan coming from Gibbs – easily the most beautiful sound Tony had ever heard in his life – and than it was over, the two of them lying together in a tangled, sweaty heap if limbs.

~*~

Neither Tony nor Gibbs knew how much time had passed, but they didn’t really care either. Both felt comfortable were they were, even if dried semen and sweat tended to itch and felt a little uncomfortable. They merely didn’t have the energy to get themselves up and got to the bathroom.

Tony’s head was pillowed on Gibbs’s chest and the older man had picked up carding through Tony’s thick hair again. It was soothing to both of them.

“If I hadn’t come here, you would have been gone.” Tony tilted his head a bit to look at Gibbs, a small smile playing around his beautiful lips.

“You were in time.” But Gibbs didn’t look so happy about it.

“I was. But I could have been too late.” Tony shook his head, then settled back into his original position on Gibbs’s chest.

“No, you couldn’t. You are never too late, Gibbs. You have always been there to rescue me in time.” Gibbs snorted, seemingly not of the same opinion, but he didn’t argue.

“I wouldn’t have been able to go on without you, Tony. I probably would have pretended, but sooner or later I would have snapped. Kate may have been the one to keep you in balance, but you are my balance. Never forget that.” Tony closed his eyes and swallowed. He would probably never believe that Gibbs really would have missed him that much in his life if he had really succeeded in vanishing from D.C., but it felt incredibly good to hear those words. He felt needed, like he had a purpose in life that really mattered once again. Tony felt good and that was all that mattered at the moment.

“I’ll stay with you as long as you’ll have me”, Tony promised and he meant it. As long as Gibbs truly wanted him at his side, his world was okay.