Skates. For pixie_on_acid. PG, Gen

[a4-letter.livejournal.com]

Title: Skates
Author: a4_letter
Written for: pixie_on_acid
Archive: Yes
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Not really spoilery.
Genre: Gen
Pairings: None
Word Count: 1,619
Disclaimer: I do not own anything and am not getting paid
Prompt: "It would have been fine, were it not for the rollerskate, the goldfish and that tub of ice-cream."
Summary: Tony is an insufferable know-it-all on figure skating.
Author's Note: The format here is the only way I could see an NCIS fic as being written in, and it really couldn't be changed. Crack!fic to the max! pixie_on_acid, I hope you like.

Introduction

 It is only at NCIS that a team would get to watch some gold-class figure skating and be paid for it. Not that they’re watching it live, of course. It’s camera footage.

 They were meant to catch the exact time and way that an audience member, Petty Officer Smith, expired. Needless to say, they caught the evil navy-officer murderer (it was his wife) and put her behind bars.

 Gibbs and the Director are off on some secret expedition, which makes it safe for our team (Tony, Timothy, Ziva and Abby) to watch the television. This time they’re watching the figure skating for pure pleasure. After all, who’d miss an opportunity to watch Brian Boitano at it? Even if it’s on an ice skating tour and the man has reached something like forty years old.

 Part One

 BRIAN BOITANO: [Jumps and spins]

NCIS TEAM: [Awed silence]

DINOZZO: …You know what he did wrong there?

ZIVA: He jumped for absolutely no reason whatsoever?

MCGEE: [In an undertone] This is figure skating, Ziva, not speed skating.

ZIVA: [Dismissive grunt]

ABBY: Yes, Tony, what did Boitano do wrong?

DINOZZO: [Beaming, he picks up TV remote] I bet you could spot it. [Clicks rewind.]

BRIAN BOITANO: [Jumps and spins again]

NCIS TEAM: [Blank looks]

DINOZZO: [Jumps up and jabs at the screen, giving an impression of lunacy] There! THERE! did you see it?

NCIS TEAM: No.

DINOZZO: His left arm flew way out!

MCGEE: It looked intentional to me.

ZIVA: Indeed.

ABBY: [Teasingly] Since when were you an expert on figure skating?

DINOZZO: [Instantly humbled] Well, the, er, Winter Olympics being what they are… Um, well, you know..?

ZIVA: Everyone knows that males in this [cough] sport are … how do I put it…

ABBY: That they’re sensitive creatures who understand, and are in touch with, the beauty of life.

ZIVA: Yes. [Muttering] Sounds like McGee.

DINOZZO: Since when has being armed to your toes –

ZIVA: I thought it was ‘armed to the teeth’?

DINOZZO: Yeah, but I used creative license.  Anyway – armed with a pair of razor sharp knives at the ends of your feet, and moving super-fast – since when has that made you a McGeek?

MCGEE: [Disgruntled] Hey!

ZIVA: [Pointedly] McGee’s not the figure skating fanatic.

MCGEE: And those lycra outfits that figure skaters wear are completely inappropriate. I would never – never..!

DINOZZO: They’re a whole lot better than your Elf Lord outfit.

ZIVA & ABBY: [Grudgingly agree.]

DINOZZO: Now if you don’t mind – [clicks play] – Boitano has more to show us.

BRIAN BOITANO: [Loopy skating, awesome lunges, fancy footwork]

NCIS TEAM: [Awed silence again]

BRIAN BOITANO: [Triple axle]

DINOZZO: He slipped again!

ZIVA & MCGEE: [Exchange annoyed looks]

ABBY: [Cheerfully] You should perform a flawless program!

DINOZZO: What? No, no, I couldn’t…

ZIVA: I’d rather not see Tony in an outfit like that [points at Boitano’s tight clothes].

MCGEE: [Nods profusely in agreement]

ABBY: But you know the sport so well! [Encouragingly] I’m sure you could.

DINOZZO: It’s July! There’s no ice… I couldn’t, not by a long way –

ZIVA: [Maliciously] What, are you chicken?

DINOZZO: No, no, it’s just, we need equipment and –

ABBY: Oh, but I have a pair of roller-skates you can use!

ZIVA: And that really terrible Elf outfit McGee has – well, he’d be happy to lend it, I’m sure.

MCGEE: Well, [reluctantly] if you must.

DINOZZO: [Increasingly desperately] Gibbs could come back any minute… The Director… Ducky… And besides, there’s no space!

ZIVA: Gibbs and the Director are out chasing some secret case, we’ll invite Ducky along, and there’s a nice courtyard not far from here.

ABBY: [Thoughtful nodding] Just think: what would Brian Boitano do?

 Part Two

 Half an hour later, the NCIS team is appreciating the open space and sunshine of the nice courtyard. This courtyard is at the bottom of several steps on all sides, and it has a completely unnecessary water fountain in the middle. It’s the sort of place where people dressed in business suits congregate to eat their deli sandwiches.

 Abby, Ziva, McGee and Ducky are huddled on one of the steps, elevated slightly above DiNozzo. DiNozzo is looking sullen and his face has gone bright red like it tends to when he’s nervous. He looks utterly ridiculous, dressed up like he is – as an elf with bright pink roller-skates.

 DINOZZO: [To Abby] Why do you even have roller-skates in you forensics lab?

ABBY: That pair is left over from last year’s Wheel-A-Thon. Lucky, isn’t it?

DINOZZO: [Continues to look sullen.]

ABBY: So I brought along a couple of albums, which one do you want to accompany you?

DINOZZO: You can pick.

MCGEE: [Quietly, so that DiNozzo doesn’t hear] If I think I about it, I really do appreciate Metallica’s eccentric drum beat.

ABBY: Good choice, McGee! You do have some musical taste after all. [Puts the CD in the player.] Say the word, Tony!

DINOZZO: [Steps confidently into the courtyard and draws a deep breath] Music please, maestro!

ABBY: [Clicks play button, releasing a jumble of noise that sounds a lot like the Director does when she’s running in her high-heels]

INNOCENT BUSINESS PEOPLE: [Clamp their hands over their ears.]

DINOZZO: [Tries to match the frenzied speed of the drum beat. The resulting sequence of moves looks terribly like a sped-up version of the chicken dance.]

MCGEE: [Gapes in horror.]

DUCKY: [Appears to be enjoying it quite a lot. He urges Tony on, clapping all the while.]

ZIVA: [Appears to be having some sort of seizure; she’s doubled up and cackling at Tony’s misfortune.]

ABBY: [Has her hands to her heart and is looking on proudly. Her lips move slightly to sing the song’s lyrics.]

DINOZZO: [Completely caught up in the cheers he’s receiving, he takes two giant steps right into a puddle of ice cream.]

ALL SPECTATORS: [Absolute silence.]

PUDDLE OF ICE CREAM: [Sends Tony up and into the air, giving him a lot of height.]

DINOZZO: [Lands with finesse in the giant water fountain. Holds his pose.]

SPECTATORS: [Scattered applause.]

NCIS TEAM: [Open-mouthed gaping.]

MUSIC: [Continues to blare.]

DINOZZO: [Finally tears his eyes away from his adoring fans, and looks down.]

GOLDFISH: [Swerves around the roller-skate in the water.]

DINOZZO: [Immediately jumps out of the water fountain, fearful for the fish’s life. Lands in the courtyard on all fours.]

ZIVA: [Begins to cackle all over again.]

ABBY: [Hurries over to DiNozzo.]

MCGEE: [Switches off music and also goes to investigate.]

[As the team gathers around Tony, Gibbs quietly creeps up behind them.]

ABBY: - looked so painful, you’re sure you’re okay?

DUCKY: Such a shame that your riveting performance was cut short…

MCGEE: We should get you back inside, these people are all staring.

ZIVA: [Still grinning] I think I dotted –

MCGEE: Spotted.

ZIVA: - Where you went wrong.

ABBY: Yeah, it was great and everything, but I also saw several slight problems.

DUCKY: Yes. In fact, were it not for the –

MCGEE: Roller-skates –

ZIVA: Ice cream –

ABBY: Or your caring for the goldfish –

DUCKY: Your rendition would have warranted a full six-point-zero.

MCGEE: But only professionals get that! I mean, people who pull off triple-axels and salchows and don’t slip in ice cream, [then catches sight of Tony’s murderous expression] I mean –

DINOZZO: [Still smarting from the fall, lifts up his hand and head-slaps McGee.] Shut it, Probie.

GIBBS: [Head-slaps DiNozzo.]

NCIS TEAM: [Freezes.] [Various forms of ‘Hi, boss, sorry, boss,’ are uttered.]

GIBBS: Well, Elf Lord, [referring to DiNozzo], I know that you had Petty Officer Smith’s wife put away, but when I got back, I wanted a full report. Now, go and do your paperwork. [Not addressing Ducky.] All of you.

[At this, Ziva, DiNozzo and McGee scramble off. Abby lingers for a hug before she begins to pack up all her stuff and also head back.]

 Part Three

 DUCKY:  Well, Jethro, you’re back early from your trip with Jenny. I trust it went well?

GIBBS: No. Actually, she insisted I leave early. Apparently she thought that my thoughts on those CIA bastards weren’t helping.

DUCKY: I daresay, if you’ve been relaying half your thoughts, you really can’t have expected any less.

GIBBS: Well, they needed to be put back in their place. And anyway, a friend of mine wanted me on this investigation.

DUCKY: I see Boitano has finally acknowledged you.

GIBBS: Interesting, isn’t it? When a naval officer drops dead during one of his tours, he wants my help, but when I give him two words on his technique, he won’t hear it.

DUCKY: Those types don’t generally like receiving criticism. He took notice in the end though – it was, vicariously, your fault that he won that gold medal.

GIBBS: Funny, he never mentioned a medal.

DUCKY: It was a close win, and about twenty years ago too. Must have slipped his mind.

GIBBS: Huh. [They’ve reached the NCIS elevator. They step in and Gibbs presses his button as well as Ducky’s.]

DUCKY: How did you hear that we’d left the building anyway? [Smiling] Do you and this elevator share some secret mental bond? Does it tell you exactly who enters it and when?

GIBBS: [Sharply] Who told you that?

DUCKY: [Taken aback] No-one. It was a joke, Jethro!

GIBBS: Oh. [Smiles uneasily.]

[Elevator reaches Gibbs’ level. He steps out. DiNozzo has somehow persuaded McGee to wear the Elf Lord suit and he appears to have been superglued into it. The elevator closes and descends.]

MCGEE: - real mature. I just want a nice, normal job, with nice, normal – well, nice anyway, people and –

ZIVA & DINOZZO: [Sniggering.]

GIBBS: [Hastily presses the elevator’s down button. Immediately, the empty elevator returns and   Gibbs steps back in, pretending he hasn’t seen anything.]

END.